The 19th January 2015
proved to be a significant day in the life of your faithful Clogger, as I began
a new role as the marketing department in the water services industry. In
addition to being a completely new industry of water services after almost a
decade in the automotive world, it also marked the start of life as a London
commuter. This edition of The Clog will review some of the challenges of the
early days of this new venture.
Having always been a country
bumpkin at heart, a move to the big smoke was never likely and instead opted to
live in Leatherhead, a popular commuter town in Surrey. Leatherhead has a
compact centre with a small shopping arcade and pedestrianized area featuring
some nice places to eat out. Like many provincial towns, the biggest
development in recent years has been the arrival of Lidl, the great cathedral
of cheapness where none of the locals admit to shopping and yet is always
extremely busy. This is the sort of town where the pretentious will attempt to
disguise their embarrassment at shopping here by using Waitrose carrier bags.
The first day could not have got
off to a less auspicious start when a human snake formed around the entrance of
Leatherhead station as the ticket office was closed and only one self-service
machine with a temperamental screen was working. On this fateful morning, the
station resembled a middle class equivalent of a refugee camp in a warzone as
lots of displaced commuters had to reschedule travel plans.
Day two had an unusual start as I
was accosted by a gaggle of Liberal Democrats (or whatever the collective noun
for a number of Lib Dems may be) who were campaigning at West Sutton station to
get trains running on time through the local borough. This pledge would’ve had
a lot more credibility if they were proposing to get Sir Topham Hatt on
secondment from running the railway on the island of Sodor. Judging by the Lib
Dem record in government, it can be assumed that the pledge would’ve been
quietly dropped at the first sniff of power.
The early morning start did begin
to feel like ground hog day as the same faces would show up at the same time
each day, such as cheery old man walking his dog and the tall, skinny girl with
the earmuffs, power walking to the station. The 20 minute stroll to the station is also pleasant, taking in a mill pond along the way though there is a killjoy sign that has been placed by a certain local water company that forbids swimming, fishing and boating, though good luck to anyone who is able to manoeuvre a boat down the path that is only wide enough for pedestrians and cyclists.
On arrival at the station, it is
also important to know where to stand. Leaning on the ticket barrier operator’s
chair to retrieve something from your bag is likely to have a commuter
questioning you about the cancellation of the 0744 to Guildford, even though
you are not wearing a high-vis vest. The first week of a commute also provides
awareness of the individual piece of the platform where each regular commuter
will stand and no one dare steal that piece of asphalt. The train journey
itself turned out to be a sea of faceless suits whiling away the commute on
their tablet devices or smartphones. Occasionally, the 0745 to London Bridge
would be treated to Mr Dynamic planning the agenda for the morning meeting via
his mobile.
After becoming aware of a new
shortcut to work, the morning commute ended in the village of Cheam, just
outside Sutton. Cheam is around 5 miles south of Wimbledon and is popular for
commuters to central London who want to be in close proximity to the city but
far enough away from the maddening crowds in their spare time. This village
could be anywheresville and may have been what Albert Hammond thought of when
he lamented about the girl he loved settling for suburbia and a little piece of
land in his hit, Free Electric Band, a
place where the idealistic dreams of youth die on the altar of middle class
respectability.
As part of the induction, there
was a trip to Bristol to meet our creative agency partners in their trendy
office located in Bristol’s arty-farty Paintworks complex. Having a set of
large couches set around a coffee table in the middle of the floor helped to
give the vibe of a daytime chat show studio. This was the ideal setting for
some serious blue sky thinking and scoping out a key project.
The office has a more relaxed
culture than the traditional corporate head office setting, indeed the
administrators enjoy playing the radio through the working day. If you happen
to be sitting near the 20 year old temp girl, this will mean listening to Heart
FM, a station that appears to have the world’s smallest playlist. There is a
strong chance that you will feel your brain dissolve like an ice cream in the
summer sun, as you hear Rather Be by
Clean Bandit, Rude by Magic and Thinking out loud by Ed Sheeran for the
nth time that day.
When the more mature lady arrives
back, the radio is then switched to Smooth FM, which does indeed offer a more
gentle listening experience though they do have a slight obsession with The
Beatles. Listening to Let It Be every
day reminded me that this was the official song for the Herald of Free
Enterprise disaster and for around four minutes each afternoon, it was
difficult not to get a morose feeling as images played through the mind of that
stricken vessel lying on a sandbar just outside Zeebrugge harbour.
The more workman-like ambience of
the office introduced other characters like the worldly-wise tradesmen, who had
seen it all before and are impressed by nothing. These grizzled, sons of toil whose
upper torso have more graffiti than the average railway carriage in an
inner-city siding, are often heard to be complaining about their salary and
work conditions to younger colleagues, but never seem to back up their comments
by leaving the company.
Like other workplaces nationally,
you will also find the dryathlete who will try and sign up everybody and their
granny to give monetary support to their gruelling undertaking of giving up
drinking in the early part of the year, a change that is presented as a great
sacrifice but is usually something that they needed to do anyway. There are
also the resident smokers whose working days are punctuated with regular fag
breaks. There is nothing illegal about this activity though it is fair to say
that the amount of tar on the lungs of our intrepid smokers would keep certain
members of the travelling community gainfully employed in driveway renovation
work for a considerable period of time.
Strategy days are an opportunity
for driving forward business critical ideas or passing the buck, depending on
who’s ‘to do’ list they appear on. It can be alarming to see that the key
performance indicators for your own role are to be debated in such a forum but
the secret of drawing attention from this is to basically say “look over there,
it’s a catonkey”. Everybody was on board with the first item on the agenda, though
maybe this was because it was listed as bacon rolls and coffee. Any management
meeting would also bring mention of the mysterious ‘pot of money’ that would be
dedicated to different projects. It is appealing to think that there is a
little black cauldron filled with shiny gold coins to fulfil marketing
initiatives though have yet to see evidence of it.
On rare occasions, management
meetings are shaken up by the arrival of the Group MD. This corporate colossus
will sit at the table quietly making notes as the head of each department gives
account for their performance. At the point when their discourse ends, our
leader will then suddenly arise from his slumber and ask some searching
questions. The marketing function is blessed with an entire vocabulary of its
own and can make even the mundane sound exciting.
Another figure who also crops up
in business, is over eager project manager. This well-mannered and organised
gentleman can be identified by his ability to talk in business abbreviations,
with everything being KPI this and ROI that. When ordinary mortals have gone to
the staff kitchen to make their mid-morning coffee, our intrepid project
manager will be busy integrating upstream and downstream supply chain solutions
whilst interfacing something or other at the same time. His ability to become
engrossed in his new brief is all consuming and he will joke that his wife has
warned him not to talk about work, a warning that really means she will have an
affair with the milkman if he doesn’t shut up.
Working as a one man marketing department
can also allow the opportunity to get involved in the team meetings of other parts
of the business and act as a kind of freelance motivational speaker.
A key component of marketing is
understanding the profile of your customer. It was refreshing to know that the
last survey carried out revealed that the company’s core customer base in
Surrey and London is predominately made up of upwardly mobile, wealthy
achievers. Rumour has it that the research company are also about to unveil
findings that there are a high proportion of Muslims around Mecca.
Surrey is a nice county with
plenty of green countryside but also the capital of the pre-emptive apology as
you only have to be a few yards away from someone on a pavement and they will
be saying sorry just in case they have got in your way. Commuting has proved to
be a strange existence where you are running against a stopwatch from the
moment of getting out of bed and taking your place among millions of drones who
are doing their own small part in keeping the cogs of Great Britain PLC
turning.
A change of role from a conventional
corporate setting to a strategic business unit of a smaller business also
provides challenge with the need to overcome entrenched attitudes of those who appear
to have been around since the inception of the business over 150 years ago. The
only logical conclusion that can be reached when undergoing a change in career, is that you should always walk into a room assuming that theme music is
accompanying your entrance.
